First things first, grief is complicated, yet we want to talk here in a way that is digestible and accessible. Two things in grief can be true at once. On the one hand, there is no prescription for how grievers and supporters walk this path together. And, at the same time, there are missteps that can be made along the way.
We will talk here about getting grief support “right” and “wrong,” yet grief is a highly individualized experience, constantly shifting and changing. As a result there are moments where grief supporters may feel like they are getting it wrong.
In today’s edition we will explore the simplified concept of right and wrong support.
Showing up means more than getting it “right.”
Let’s face it - most of us feel uncomfortable with grief, which means that we likely feel uncomfortable with grievers. We don’t know what to say, we are afraid of making them sad, we have our own anxieties around death. There are so many reasons that make it hard to be present for grievers. Yet, that’s exactly what our grieving friends, family, and coworkers need. They need us to show up and stay put!
So, you won’t know what to say and you might get it “wrong” - that’s OK! The people who are willing to learn from their missteps tend to become the most significant people in one’s grief journey.
My dear friend, Marie, is one of those people. Throughout my grief, she has never shied away from my pain and has been willing to walk with me through the messiness of my grief. More importantly, she’s been willing to get it wrong.
When I first lost Junie, I shared how I missed the weight of her. I missed her on my hip, I missed her sprawled across my lap, I missed her tiny arms wrapped tightly around me. When I expressed this to Marie, she immediately went into problem solving mode - “Maybe you could hug yourself.”
Cue record scratch.
Hug myself? My two and a half year-old daughter had just died, and she wanted me to give myself a hug?
I’m not sure exactly what I said to Marie in that moment, but I know I expressed that was not what I wanted, nor needed to hear. I didn’t want a solution - there was no solution. And there was no way to fix my grief or ease my pain.
Marie offered a solution-focused suggestion to my grief, which is not uncommon. As a society, we love quick fixes, the notion of healing, and the absence of sadness and pain. However, in grief, there is nothing to be solved nor is there a solution. Grievers are entitled to their pain and need it both to be felt and seen by others. In that moment with Marie, I simply wanted someone to bear witness to my suffering without judgment or offers of reprieve. I wanted someone to simply be present as I waded into the depths of despair.
And so, that’s what Marie did. She has been present with me, physically and emotionally, throughout my grief. She got it wrong, and in spite of that, continued to show up. She reaches out on days she knows will be hard - heck, sometimes before I even realize. She’s not afraid to make me sad by talking about Junie. She refrains from discussing aspects of her beliefs that I don’t find helpful. She sends me texts letting me know she has done an act to honor Junie. And as a result, Marie has become a trusted and welcomed companion on my journey. What is remarkable is that the more one falters in supporting a griever, the more one learns and has the opportunity to get it right.
Marie deeply wanted to understand how to support me in my grief, and if you are reading this, my guess is that you, too, want to support the grievers in your life. Here are a few practical suggestions for showing up:
Reflect on your own discomfort. What are you worried about? Saying the wrong thing? Thinking about death? Making it worse? Having awareness of your own concerns can be the first step as you consider how to support the grievers in your life.
Avoid offering solutions. Though they are well-intentioned, we know nothing will fix grief.
Be willing to tolerate pain and sadness. Grief is riddled with both, and though it can be hard to see someone you care for in pain, remember that their emotions are valid and normal.
Don’t shy away from asking them about their grief. When is it worst? What are their triggers? What have they learned? How do they need you to show up?
And finally, understand that you’ll likely get it wrong and take it as an opportunity to learn. What was it that went wrong? How did the person react? What feedback can you elicit to get it right next time?
Grief is neither easy nor simple, but your willingness to show up for grievers in your life means more than you could ever imagine. So keep trying, and even when you falter, remember that your griever needs you there beside them.
We hope you enjoyed the first of Between Breaths. This feature will also be available on our newsletter, so hit subscribe! If you have questions, comments, or would like us to share your story, please reach out!